A photo from open sources
They take our energy and time, and they themselves invisibly fill our life. Close or just acquaintances, employees or neighbors – why is communication with some of them so unsettling?
“For several months, I tried to somehow support a friend who divorced her husband, says the 36-year-old Marina. – She spent the weekend with us, constantly called me, I sat with her children … Little by little she came to, and I … almost got sick: I didn’t have any strength left, even to read to my 5 year old son. Once she asked to sit with the children so that she go to the fitness club, knowing full well that I have a bad cold. Then I realized that it’s time to end my charity. ”
We are all familiar with the type of relationship in which the gain is only one side, while the other takes on the role victims – sometimes quite voluntarily, but often invisibly. “We we all influence each other, this is how a person works, ”explains social psychologist Elena Sidorenko. – For each of us, not only ourselves, but other people become a source of ideas, energy, new feelings and experiences. The balance is violated only if when this influence is carried out gradually, to the detriment of another to a person and without taking into account his interests. “How to determine what you have dealing with a “kidnapper” if in words he expresses the kindest intentions?
What are they doing
People who take energy from others seek in this way. to satisfy his, often unconscious, need. Psychotherapist Elena Sidorenko identifies the four most common motive that determine the behavior of such people *.
Attention
Man’s persistent desire to be constantly in the spotlight forces another to constantly focus on his person, which takes a lot of energy.
Power and authority
Such people always want to keep everything under control, to manage by all. They demand that others change their mindset their wishes, and this requires significant energy costs.
Revenge
Payment for grievances caused (possibly in childhood) by others by people. Just a little resemblance to the oncoming their revenge fell. Unconsciously they seek and find the satisfaction is psychologically destroying the other. The victim has to spend a lot of effort not to enter into this confrontation.
Peace
A person of this type is obsessed with one desire: he does not want he was disturbed. Most often, he himself is convinced that he is not able to achieve desired, and therefore in advance refuses any attempts. Trying interact with such a person, the “victim” loses a ton of energy to overcome his inertia.
* These four motives of behavior were first described by American psychologist Rudolph Dreikurs in the process research psychology of children’s behavior.
Gratuitous Gifts
We are beginning to realize that not everything is in order in our relationship, when we notice that we invest in them more than we get. “We we give away all the best that we have: time, money, ideas, and in the end we feel more and more exhausted, says the therapist Alexander Orlov. – And so on until you respond to the request another becomes impossible. It all ends with you already you feel almost nothing, lose interest in what is happening and gradually increase the emotional distance between yourself and this man. “” My ex-boyfriend didn’t let me go for a long time, ”recalls 23 year old Tatyana. “He knew that I no longer loved him, but continued to fill me with SMS messages, invited me to dinner, waited after work. ” Some of these people are not a step away from us, becoming all more intrusive and persistent. Others use complex strategies, to maintain addictive relationships for as long as possible. “Listen to your loved ones if they are surprised:” We will not recognize you, ” “You speak as if from someone else’s voice,” – advises the therapist Albina Loktionova. – Pay attention to your emotions that are not correspond to circumstances that are uncharacteristic for you, sudden manifestations of categorical judgments. Very important on time ask yourself the question: “What is happening?” If you become worse to themselves, suddenly felt helpless and inept child, then you have every reason to think: perhaps in in your environment there is a person acting in relation to you energy vampire. Talk to him and if he doesn’t answer sincerity to your sincerity, trying to expose you the culprit of what is happening, most likely, your suspicions justified. After all, he always redistributes the energy of relationships so to win at the expense of another. ”
A photo from open sources
Vampire masks
It can play different roles: seducer, patron, sufferer – just to capture the attention of the victim, and then her living space.
Anyone can become a victim
Energy manipulation uses natural human aspirations, hopes, feelings: guilt, compassion, pride, fear.
How to escape from him
It is important to realize that you are in a victim position. And contrary to someone else’s will to protect their personal space. Define your individual threshold of tolerance beyond which you are not ready sacrifice oneself in favor of others.
Chameleon strategy
“My girlfriend’s mom comes to our home almost every day, – says 28-year-old Ivan. – She brings food, breaks wash something, cook … I understand, she does it from best intentions but for me her invasion of our family life just unbearable! I can’t tell her about it, but put up with it there’s no strength. “People who, besides our will, are trying manage us, not necessarily villains, they are very different: caring and persistent, attentive and aggressive. Depending on what they want to achieve and what specific situation, they engage a limitless arsenal of behavioral strategies and images.
One of the most common types – “charming vampires. “These are addicted individuals who believe they cannot independently cope with their problems, and therefore constantly resort to the help of others. “There may be a colleague at work, whom we will help once, twice, and soon we will simply begin to perform all the work for him. In family life, one of partners, “says Alexander Orlov. 30-year-old Cyril has just divorced with endlessly touching and sad Masha. “At first I was touched by her defenselessness and huge, always sad eyes, but I later realized my mistake, ”he says. – I had everything there was no time left to decide for her. Worse, seeing her depressed state, I myself began to perceive the world in black light! ”
Many fall into the trap set by “brilliant vampires” – people of a narcissistic warehouse who support the image outstanding, authoritative, vibrant personality: “fatal woman”, “charismatic boss.” They catch potential victims on the bait of trust, the ability to enter a vicious elite circle communication, but in reality they just parasitize on someone else’s adoration and admiration. “Such people can be adorable in communication, however, the spell dissipates, you should leave for a short while. In fact, you are not interested in them; attention to own person and the benefits that you can get from you, “- explains Albina Loktionova. “For three years I was a” victim ” of our department head, ”says 37-year-old Valeria. – Is he smart, educated, charming person. When he asked me about a favor, I regarded this as evidence of his special trust and sympathy for me. And he just transferred some of his direct duties. He used my time and ideas, and I came down from heaven to earth only after the board of directors of our company, he wrote off my own error. ”
Get out of the victim role
It seems to some of us that we are simply doomed to the role of victim: it is worth getting rid of the obsessive “stalker” as near us other “saviors” and “patrons” turn out to be. “Often people unconsciously getting used to establish such a relationship, and not leaves himself a chance to take the first step towards liberation from uninvited influence, “continues Alexander Orlov.” I have right some kind of gift to attract to you nedotep! – complains the 25-year-old Svetlana. – For my friends and acquaintances I play the role of a “psychologist”, which everyone is complaining about. What do I get in return? Nothing but regular bouts of spleen. I don’t seek support from whom! “Such a tendency to self-denial is often characteristic of people with low self-esteem. “They’re always ready to sacrifice themselves, because unconsciously convinced: this is the only way make up for their shortcomings, “Albina explains Loktionova.
In other words, relationships built on energy addiction, this is not a one-way attack, but the result the interaction of both parties. “For the common term” vampirism ” is the complex work of the protective mechanisms of the psyche of the “victim” itself, – says Elena Sidorenko. – Most often it is a projection mechanism. The definition of “vampire” we often brand the person who us something very annoying. In fact, this is how we react to it quality that we are not ready to accept in ourselves or, conversely, deep down, we would like to possess it ourselves. For example, a colleague optional, sloppy, runs through the sleeves, while we are excessively punctual, collected and responsible. This slobbering we are ready to consider “a vampire”, although his only fault is that he is late for work, not worried about broken commitments and generally refers to life with a fair amount of frivolity – in a word, does everything that we are not ready to afford and what in reality is sorely lacking. When a person has to constantly spend energy on the fight against unconscious impulses, he simply does not have energy left for his affairs. And then the feeling he is inclined to attribute regular fatigue to the account of malicious other people’s exposure. “Therefore, before you try to search the root of your problems in others, analyze your own sensations – perhaps the real reason for your discomfort lies in your internal unresolved contradictions.
Everything has a limit
Who does not sympathize with a hopeless lover? Who never swallowed undeserved insults from a charming and charismatic boss? “Openness, willingness to let another into your life – a very natural human property, without it we would simply not survived, says Alexander Orlov. – But the one who violates your borders without demand, behaves like a real aggressor. ”
“Blaming and persuading such a person directly is useless, after all, most often he himself is not aware of his influence, – I am convinced Albina Loktionova. “Just tell him what’s bothering you.” Perhaps he himself will understand that the reason is in him. Respect borders friend friend – the key to any normal relationship. Clear and clear specify for yourself to what extent you are ready to endure, and under what circumstances will you start to defend your own interests. ”
Where do they come from
This is a matter of upbringing, not character traits. In the house where ruled by a home tyrant or one of the parents died early or left families, children make sure that the person they need can leave them or humiliate them. Growing up, they try everything to control, as we are sure: in life nothing is given simply so, in vain, from the heart – neither love nor care. So they reproduce the same relationships that were encountered in childhood, only with power positions: now they decide whether to give others love and care and what to demand in return.
In other cases, energy vampires grow spoiled children, accustomed to what parents predict and fulfill their slightest desires. These people can’t stand frustration, don’t ready to face the difficulties and interests of others. therefore they cannot put up with the inaccessibility of the goal and are ready to achieve it at all costs – for example, blackmail a victim with your imaginary helplessness and suffering, starve her.
Albina Loktionova
“If you come under someone’s influence, don’t let it go by its own accord. After all, often, in order to replenish their energy resources and don’t get hooked again, a person has to switch to another, in other words – put him in position energy dependence on oneself, “says Alexander Orlov. Very often, the kind of bondage we fall into is the result of our own unconscious choice. “Man not loving, not accepting himself, will always find an external defendant, on which is convenient to write off your painful experiences, continues Elena Sidorenko. – Only we ourselves decide what feeds us in of life in which we put energy – in love or in hatred, whether we want to open towards other people or use them. The possibility of such a choice gives us tremendous freedom, but together imposes considerable responsibility on that. ”
Life time
